Thursday, September 2, 2010

How can you do this

So I said sometime ago that Bop's birthday had stirred up some emotions in me.
Well its time to spill the emotions, cause I now have control of them.
Its always been evident to me that Bop's birth mother favors her over Bip, its a very sly favor, but never the less its there.
For 2 years now Bip has not received a birthday present from her let alone a card.
His first birthday that I was in his life he got a phone call, the second year a card with $5 in it and the last two years not a thing.

Bop on the other hand does get a card and normally a gift card, or a small present.
He now is beginning to notice this trend,and this year on Bop's birthday said something.

What do you say when you don't have the answer?
He wants to know why he is treated different, why he gets nothing and she gets something.
She didn't get a phone call this year but she did get a card with a gift card in it.

Bip is 10 next year and is very aware of what goes on around him... he would be he's at that age where things like birthdays now have a meaning.

He said to me some weeks ago birthdays are the day you celebrate the day your mother gave birth to you, he then went on to say that he wished that id given birth to him cause then he wouldn't expect anything from her ( her being his birth mother).

This totally breaks my heart cause I to wish it was that way just so I could ease his pain and make life easier for him.

Its not important to me weather I gave birth to Bip or not what is important is that he is at peace with himself, and he's not when it comes to things like this.

Bop still thinks I gave birth to her ...... I heard her tell Bip so.... and also heard Bip try to tell her this wasn't true..... but she just ignores it.

He has expectations of people ... I think this is only normal as you get older.

Cause as you get older people have expectations of you.

But if the exceptions are not meet do we stop meeting others expectation of us.... I'm worried this will happen is this carries on....

 Believe me no amount of explanation helps.... this child is hurt and confused.

My big question is this

As a mother who has given birth how do you turn your back and forget the day you brought that child into the world, how do you tell yourself its ok NOT to acknowledge this child on that day we call his birthday.


  1. When a parent does not have custody of their children it's not unusual for them to forget birthdays etc, but to send things to one child and not the other is just wrong.

    Maybe he could write a letter to her asking why he's always forgotten about, and how he is feeling? Surely she couldn't ignore that :(
    I hope he had a good birthday besides that.

  2. I don't know, Rachel. I can't imagine doing something so hurtful to a child (regardless of whether I've birthed them or not!). She's obviously got a screw loose somewhere.

    I'm trying to think what I would say in this situation. I think I would just say that sometimes people are very disappointing and it's not because of anything that we do or say or think. They let us down sometimes and we need to decide for ourselves how we will let that feel. Will we think that they have hurt our feelings on purpose, or will we think that it wasn't something they meant to do and agree that even though it hurts, it will be okay in the end.

    I just don't know. Poor little fella.

  3. Gosh, I'm not sure seems impossible to even contemplate but not being in the position I guess I simply do not know.

    What an insightful view of bdays for a 10 year old?

    Very very tough for a young child to understand such things, especially when we as adults find it difficult. My hope is that with time and love, he will grow to be at peace on this matter

  4. That's a really tough situation, I understand why you find it painful. This woman sounds like she is selectively involved because of what she gets out of it, not because of what the child needs. It sounds very selfish really.

  5. It's heartbreaking to watch, but even more devastating when the children realise.
    Forgetting is one thing, favouring is a whole 'nother ballgame.
    I'm sorry but I'm at a loss. What words could explain that to the poor little boy without devastating him.
    Perhaps it is something that he needs to discuss with his birth mother?

  6. Oh, that is very unfortunate. And hard to explain. When I get the tough questions, I usually just admit that I don't know, I don't understand, and I remind them what I do. And, since he and his first mother have contact, heck, he can ask her.