And So She's Back..... but its not from outerspace.

Ye that's right I'm back, where have I been.... Well Ive been here but in someways Ive not ....

I wouldn't for one moment say Ive been depressed but then again I wouldn't say Ive been myself....

Lack of motivation might be a good excuses but then again an even better excuses would be the inability to cope.
Cope with anything to be honest ....... Since my parent went back to England I have found life strangely difficult .....

I have been thinking about my past and all my hopes and dreams ... the things I wanted in my life the things I didn't want.....

Ive then looked at my future and where before I was scared and let me tell it has looked very scary at times, I'm not any more.

The whole reason it all looked so scary was mainly because the things I wanted I now have but not in a way I wanted them...does that make sense.

No?

Well let me explain.

At 24 years of age I was diagnosed as pre menopausal ..... and that's when my life took on some strange twists and turns ......

I had always wanted children, I think most people do its human nature to want what society says we as women should have .......

Well some 20 years go that's how it felt, and to a degree it does still feel like that most women are proud of being pregnant and birthing children its an ability that men don't have its something that you women can now a days do by yourself .....

Well not totally by yourself but you know what I mean ....

What I mean is all you really need now a days is a sperm bank and a turkey baster and your all set ... well most of you are ...

Me I'm not all set and never will be and that's fine well now a days it is cause my life took on a different turn I prayed for what I have today.

I prayed for two children and boy and a girl and yes I got just that...what I forgot to add to it all was that I would like a fairly normal parenting experience..... ye I left out some of the finer details and I truly believe because I left them out I didn't get them ...

So what did I get.

Well I got a pretty awesome husband, whom I am totally grateful for and love to bits.
The man is selfless in so many ways and for that I know I am truly bless.

I also go two beautiful children whom again I am most of the time grateful for. I am thankful that their birth mom had the ability to give birth to them.

I'm thankful that they love me in their own way.

The one thing I'm not sure I'm thankful for is RAD, I mean who in their right mind would be ......
I'm not thankful for wet beds smelly diapers rages for pointless reasons ...having to explain to people why they act like they do....... or what they have done, and so on and so on, just to name a few reasons why I'm so not thankful for it all

But I have come to the point where I know I have to move on from the gossip and this need to explain them and myself..... and be grateful that its just RAD and not a life threatening illness like cancer ....... To move on from the feeling overwhelmed with it al and see it all for what it is ...... and to belive that at some point that light at the end of the tuneel with shine.

Im also thankful for people like Maxabella who has been on my case so I see now to where I am.... I am sorry and please forgive me it was not my intention to worry anyone..... one email coming your way ..... precious lady that you are.

So the future what does it hold.... well it holds me puling my stuff back together and moving on .... It holds a furture project that I will be shareing very soon.

It holds me not going off again without warning and making people worry .

It also holds me looking toward the end of that tunnel ...and seeing a brighter light.

So the lesson Ive learnt here is...... never take life for granted, it could be ten times worse than what it seems right now.